-- 11:02 PM; Tuesday, December 20, 2005
today was quite a tiring day. in fact, i did not have enough sleep.

still, i went for training, and met up with austen, iswan and danis. we took a cab to school. anyway, we had our trainings outdoor. actually, i find it fine to train outdoors, but i feel that things aren't that simple. we're the only ones not being able to use the hall IF im not wrong. i shall not talk about it, since i don't know much. no point complaining over it, i mean, we're ALWAYS the ones in the wrong. no one would believe us STUDENTS, WE, STUDENTS of IJC.

but i doubt that they treat us as one...

the superhost results are out! mr kryis ang is at the bottom two. somehow, i hoped he ain't going out this round. an innovian was in that show as well, he voted for mr ang to be out. what crap. mr ang is out. my god. unbelievable.

IDIOTIC SHIT. i hate the results. mr ang shoudn't be out so early. HE SHOULD STAY!! sigh.. can i take back what i said earlier on? haa..

can you believe it? that innovian is crying. CRYING. some of the other hosts as well. MR ANG NEVER CRY! why you people should cry? you guys are being over-sensitive.

nevermind. it ain't my business.

it's a long journey from the station to my home, and i've got lots of time to think through some things. maybe i've been thinking too much recently, that made me feel so... so bad. suicide struck my mind when i was walking home. it came to me as a solution, an end to all my problems and worries. at that point in time, i was thinking about it. but i know, it's not a solution but a sign of escape from my problems. what my problems really are? i don't even know. i just feel bad. there are some things that made me feel inferior, sad, disappointed. sometimes, i don't even know where i stand in people's lives. perhaps, only a passerby or even a pest in their eyes. in fact, this made me feel even worse. i don't really think about my family, because i don't really talk to my family members. i don't talk at home at all unless someone in the family makes an effot to talk to me. i thought of other stuff as well. i feel that i'm a jerk. i regretted for my actions. i really wished i had done nothing, i really do!! danis said everyone will have a secret that only themselves know, in other words, their darkest secrets. i agree with that. there is something that not even my closest friend know. it ain't worth sharing, it carries no meaning. the thought of what i've done really make me feel like an idiot, someone who doesn't deserve such treatments. i'm guilty of what i've done. i really regret for what i've done. i really do. i really hate this. i hate myself. yes i do.