-- 11:05 PM; Tuesday, March 28, 2006
firstly, it's weird to communicate thru tagboard with someone you don't know. haha.. weird... =_=

anyway, i got back my math and physics. my results sucked. i got an E for F math and a damn lousy A for C math. FUCK. i sucked totally. my c math, 13 marks were gone due to carelessness, and i'm not being proud here, if i were to get all those 13 marks, i'm the highest in the entire level, perhaps, i might even think of continuing my S paper. Now, i'm so screwed up, i am now sure that i want to drop S paper. i got 59 for my physics. FU*K, my results really sucked. REALLY. i couldn't believe that i actually scored 59. i should have done alot better than that! i lost many points through definitions, carelessness, 2 points for significant figures, 1 point for units. i was utterly shocked getting such results. now, i can tell that i'm not going to do well for my economics. i'm so screwed up for this block test.

damn, i never realise how poorly i could score. this is one failure that i faced now. i find it hard to pick myself up again. such a failure is... i mean, i did not have such a problem before. yea, was told to move on.

my face is black nowadays, partly due to the tan i had on sunday at sentosa. BUT, i did not realise i was giving that type of face. hmmm.... black face isn't for me. i know i'm cheerful. perhaps, i showed to much "smilies" to people everyday. perhaps, i smile too much and people don't realise that i will meet setbacks and be sad too.

black face is with me these few days. do bear with it, i just had a rough and unpleasant journey ever since the start of school.

hmmm.. i actually told myself not to hang around with my classmates. 3 C, quoted from Irene, Care, Concern and Compassion. lol. my classmates don't really show that to me. i was left all alone. and i actually faced such setbacks alone. so much for "you fu tong xiang, you nan tong dang" slowly picking up the pieces by myself. i don't really share the things i have in mind with anybody now. i keep ALMOST everything to myself. i don't think there's really such a need to let them know.

well, the only closest and best friends i have is huiyin and louie. they are always there. =D i'm so blessed. haha.. i can share anything with them.

oh ya, there is this topic i wanted to share in my blog. the topic of being left out in class. although i told myself not to hang around with my classmates, but it is still hard to accomplish it. so, i still hang around with them. i realised a few points:
-they don't listen to what i have to say
-they sometimes ignore my presence
-they don't really care
-they often "suan" me making feel like i'm detested by them
-they don't really respect how i feel

and the word "they" here meant some of them. not all my classmates does that to me. in fact, i'm refering to the usual group i hang out with.

sigh

eNd

-- 11:53 PM; Sunday, March 26, 2006
i went sentosa today, with danis, minglee, boon keat and his friend, BRA, shuchen and venetia.

oh man, i'm burnt and cooked and ready to be consumed. relieved myself today of all the stress and troubles...

but sadly, i did not finish my work. now, i'm at boon keat house, struggling to finish all my work... =_=

gdnite peeps...

eNd

-- 4:47 PM; Friday, March 24, 2006
setbacks after setbacks....

i still have to face the harsh reality...

i did no t do well for physics..

ii was told i did not do well for c maths...

i failed my f maths....

i did not do well for my economics...

shit...

this block test really make me feel so.. stupid...

damn!...

EnD

-- 9:53 PM; Thursday, March 23, 2006
i'm so bloody pissed today.. i feel like scolding people.. so J, u hu tag nonsense in my tagboard shall be the victim

if u are a guy, u bloody gay, stop fantasizing me and keep ur stupid comments to urself, u do not nid to hide your identity like some fucking stalkers. show urself, dun be a moron.
if u r girl, too bad, i aint gonna care. continue to fantasize, i aint giving a damn.

i gave up my studies for training. PARTIALLY. also, it's my fault for NOT FEELING LIKE STUDYING during the one week break. so.. i shall face the consequences of having at least 3 did not do so well subjects. FUCK, and guess what, i tried to improve as much, and the treatment i got? NO BALLS FOR YOU, YOU'RE SIMPLY TO LOUSY TO SPIKE. YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER USELESS IDIOT IN THE TEAM. THE ONLY THING I NEED YOU TO DO IS JUST TO CHASE BALLS. YA.. CHASE BALLS, SO THAT WE DON'T LOSE POINTS. EVEN IF YOU GET HURT, IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS. GO GET HURT, ALL THE MORE I CAN SUBSTITUTE YOU OUT EASILY.

last year, i wasn't given a chance to spike either. NO. because the reason is, i am too lousy to do that. yes and i know and admit it. because, i just pick up the skill, and i understand the situation. but, it's different now. i know i can spike, and although, someone else in the team is more capable, and the ball is often given to him, i understand. but looking at the situation, even if that particular person is in some weird positions, some weird places, some difficult places, balls will still be passed to him like, i was never even there. even people like rajesh, SPIKE MORE THAN ME.

today, had friendly. guess what, i spiked TWICE. in 4 sets. rajesh spike more than me in one set. i was like, is he more capable? i don't think so. i'm not being proud, i'm stating facts. i was treated like shit. even though i tried my best to keep the ball up in the air, even though i fall and hurt myself, even though i tried to cover up the spots where there were 'holes', does anybody even care? today, i fell and hurt my knees, TWICE, no one pulled me up, no one asked me whether i'm ok, and no one even give a damn to pulling me up. teammates? haha.. NO.. i don't think i belong to this team. i'm just a piece of junk.

so what if coach says he will adjust the way i play? SO? he said it just to ease my mind, but did he ever help? yea.. ONCE, one and only. who he concentrates on? the usual 3. i shan't disclose who. then what makes me, even though i'm a captain, he did not even give a damn to how i play. what makes me? a vase, in fact, a useless one, not even for displays, but those in bins and among the trash.

so what if you said it so nicely that we won't be playing in future? SO WHAT? i wasn't even given a DAMN CHANCE TO SPIKE IN FRIENDLY MATCHES, THAT IS SO GOING TO BE THE SAME IN COMPETITION.

yes and ya, people have roles in the team, my role is a spiker. HAH, i'm getting suspicious of what my role is, because, it ain't match what i do in the team. yes, i recieve balls like any other people, so what if i recieve it nicely. even if people recieve it in a KNS state, and the person is in some !@#$%&!@#% weird position, and i'm already AWAITING for the ball, nahs, AWAITING AINT THE WORD, i'm just disappointing myself, staring it, the ball still fly toward the person hu is in that !@#$%^!@$ position. so, what do you think? i might as well be equated as USELESS. libero it shall be, my role shall be a libero, a libero who can block. yea.. weird huh.

people often say that a game like volleyball is a team game. yes i agree, and i shouldn't be so FUCKED up over this matter. but can you imagine it, today's friendly, though we were trashing the other team, i'm still not given a chance to spike, NO. i was only given TWICE OUT OF 4 SETS.

i gave up lots of things over this, i tried my best to improve, and yet i'm treated like a junk. yesterday, i played volleyball with some guys at PHS, at the end of it, i'm smiling. unlike today, a black face. why? i was given a chance to spike, not a chance, in fact, CHANCESSSS notice the S? MANY S huh, because i was GIVEN MANY CHANCESSSSSS.

fuck this whole volleyball thing. i do not belong there. even the people around me thinks that i do not do much in volleyball, and i have a vice captain that overshadows me, people thinking that he's the captain. and yet, behind, i was doing alot of stuff. ya, in game, he will give some guidance, and yes i admit, he's better than me by LOADS. in terms of skills, he's far much better, im just an ant compared to him.

this whole volleyball thing SUCKED. it really sucked.. i hate that feeling. I REALLY DO. NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

SO WHAT?

PEOPLE DON'T EVEN FREAKING CARE. NOT EVEN THE COACH, HE DOESN'T EVEN HELP ME IN IMPROVING.

SO WHAT DOES THIS IMPLY?

IM JUST ANOTHER USELESS MEMBER IN THE TEAM, SURPRISINGLY, I'M BEING KEPT IN THE MAIN 6 BECAUSE I'M THE CAPTAIN, NO OTHER REASONS. I DON'T EVEN THINK THERE ARE EVIDENCES THAT I SHOULD BE IN THE MAIN 6.

I'M FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW.

KINDLY FUCK OFF....

-- 11:45 PM; Wednesday, March 22, 2006
im so dead.

real dead...

i hafta face the unforeseen circumstances.

its...

.... hais...

eNd

finally.. today's the last paper. but im not prepared.. haix..

hmmm go study now..

bb..

hope to get an A for it...

eNd

-- 10:02 PM; Tuesday, March 21, 2006
hmmm.. tomorrow is the last paper.. time really flies..
i really wonder, how will i do for my GP.. my math and physics...
i think i will flunk my econs.
today, my brain shut down on me. completely. i can't focus, i can't think. it was a total blank.
tomorrow f maths.. i wonder how will i do...

anyway, something random when i heard over the radio.
people often say, treat people the way you want people to treat you.
however, the effects of this is never true. people will NEVER treat you the way you want them to treat you although u treat them the way you want to be treated. often, being left out is the word. TOO BAD EH.... SERIOUS.. JUST TOO BAD.... LIFE'S LIKE THAT...

something came up into my mind and i thought... quite true eh...
"Ever since we were born, we were born to worry. But after we die, we were free of worries. Conclusion? being dead is a better option." but no... im not having thoughts of suicide. lol..

dulan is the word for how i felt today.
dulan over alot of things.
my econs.
and...................
and...........

nvm..

eNd

-- 9:23 AM; Sunday, March 19, 2006
tomorrow is our block test, i'm not prepared.

din really study much.

damn, i gonna flunk this block test.

my gp gonna sucked... =_=

eNd

-- 1:05 PM; Sunday, March 12, 2006
hmmmm.... going for vertical marathon later. it's 1.5 hours away. haha. still at home. going out soon.

anyway, yesterday we had friendly match with yishun. damn, i playe like shi*. fu*k. i don't feel like doing anything since yesterday. no mood to study. sian.

exams is like 5 days away. and i'm still don't want to study. i'm really asking for trouble.

eNd

-- 11:06 PM; Thursday, March 09, 2006
finally, this term has come to an end, however, it also tells me that the block test is only one week away.

too bad.

these few days, i've not been feeling good lately. i see school as something that i do not want to attend. going to school, and walking back home. this has been a mundane "job" and it has become very un-interesting. i felt that, i have lost a purpose in life. somehow, i feel that i've got no direction, i am heading nowhere. why study so much? why do we have to attend school? WHY? these things that we learn in school, doesn't really applies in future. perhaps, there is of some applications.

in addition, i am always suan-ed by people... getting sick and tired of it, not only that, it gets real irritating at times.

hmmm... gonna pia for my block test this holi, and also for my nationals in april.

hope everything turns out well.

-eNd-

-- 2:15 PM; Sunday, March 05, 2006
hmm.. i had this dream.
i was hoping that it would come true.
serious, i felt happy.
i could feel that i'm smiling when i was sleeping.
i just want it to come true.
i can't wait anymore...

-- 9:15 PM; Friday, March 03, 2006
hmm...
sometimes, i really wonder what was i thinking.
sometimes, the impossible seems possible, but yet, it can still be impossible.
contradicting.. ain't it?

sigh, i feel that my studies is going down and down and down... converging progression, this is the term, if im not wrong.... i hope.

whatever.

tomorrow, there's a friendly match. i hope everything turns out well.

eNd

yesterday's training's focus was to make us shout.

and it's really fun. finally, we opened our mouths. FINALLY. for most of the time, we're shouting. anyway, i feel that training has insufficient time. time is too short!

some undeserving teacher was our teacher in charge. not that he is not up to it, but he looked as if he doesn't care. i still prefer the other teacher.

what crap, for most of the time, training was cut short because of him. so yesterday, when i see him appear in court, i knew training has to stop and deep down inside me, i'm cursing and swearing. then, i heard that there is some policy that you can't get the balls until 5.40. WTH is that rule for? can't we have them early, so that we can WARM UP EARLIER and at the same time, when the coach is here, we can start training straight away! but we were TOLD of that policy.

seriously, what LAME policy is that?

anyway, training was fun, but all has come to an end(because of SHORTAGE of time)

then peihan appeared in court. lol. we're supposed to go "gonefishing cafe" together wih Alison and Nicholas. hong shing did not turn up. +_+ but it was fun. gonefishing cafe was quite cool, i saw the doodlings on the wall. anyway, stefen treated us to a drink. he shared even more of his experience with us when we were there. then, we played english chess with a kid. i think he's 7 if i'm not wrong. lol. we lost. we do not really know how to play! that's explains why we lost. lol.

it was fun and relaxing. finally, i got to relieve myself. haa

eNd

[it's not impossible, but it's difficult to accomplish]

-- 10:12 PM; Wednesday, March 01, 2006
seriously, i ain't feeling great these two days.

firstly, i got scolded by my teacher, and i really felt the guilt in me as i was the cause of the entire trouble.

then today, my CLAO results, C5 and a PASS in oral. at first, i was hoping that this ain't true. i wanted a B3, aiming a pass isn't what i really want. A pass in oral is a total turn off to me. i couldn't believe my eyes. seriously, it aint what i want.

then, i went for friendly match. it was a letdown. i felt disgraceful. i feel that i'm a lousy captain. i can't coordinate the team, i can't control respect, i don't even think that i have earned their respect for me as a captain. i am not fierce to them, i'm not assertive, unlike javier, though he is a vice-cap, he seems to command greater respect than me. felt real bad.

looking at my language, my life, i feel that i'm such a failure.

eNd

i tried to be happy on the outside, but what really lies within me is sadness and disappointment.
i fall back at nothing but loneliness.

FUCK the AO level examiners.. FUCK THEM.. i still remember how i was being treated during my oral. FUCK sia, that fucking retard simply shut me up by saying, you can leave already. i wasn't able to finish what i wanted to say. FUCK THAT IDIOTIC EXAMINER.. that fucker.. guess what, i got a PASS FOR ORAL...

damned...

that guy's a FUCKER.