-- 9:53 PM; Thursday, March 23, 2006
i'm so bloody pissed today.. i feel like scolding people.. so J, u hu tag nonsense in my tagboard shall be the victim

if u are a guy, u bloody gay, stop fantasizing me and keep ur stupid comments to urself, u do not nid to hide your identity like some fucking stalkers. show urself, dun be a moron.
if u r girl, too bad, i aint gonna care. continue to fantasize, i aint giving a damn.

i gave up my studies for training. PARTIALLY. also, it's my fault for NOT FEELING LIKE STUDYING during the one week break. so.. i shall face the consequences of having at least 3 did not do so well subjects. FUCK, and guess what, i tried to improve as much, and the treatment i got? NO BALLS FOR YOU, YOU'RE SIMPLY TO LOUSY TO SPIKE. YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER USELESS IDIOT IN THE TEAM. THE ONLY THING I NEED YOU TO DO IS JUST TO CHASE BALLS. YA.. CHASE BALLS, SO THAT WE DON'T LOSE POINTS. EVEN IF YOU GET HURT, IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS. GO GET HURT, ALL THE MORE I CAN SUBSTITUTE YOU OUT EASILY.

last year, i wasn't given a chance to spike either. NO. because the reason is, i am too lousy to do that. yes and i know and admit it. because, i just pick up the skill, and i understand the situation. but, it's different now. i know i can spike, and although, someone else in the team is more capable, and the ball is often given to him, i understand. but looking at the situation, even if that particular person is in some weird positions, some weird places, some difficult places, balls will still be passed to him like, i was never even there. even people like rajesh, SPIKE MORE THAN ME.

today, had friendly. guess what, i spiked TWICE. in 4 sets. rajesh spike more than me in one set. i was like, is he more capable? i don't think so. i'm not being proud, i'm stating facts. i was treated like shit. even though i tried my best to keep the ball up in the air, even though i fall and hurt myself, even though i tried to cover up the spots where there were 'holes', does anybody even care? today, i fell and hurt my knees, TWICE, no one pulled me up, no one asked me whether i'm ok, and no one even give a damn to pulling me up. teammates? haha.. NO.. i don't think i belong to this team. i'm just a piece of junk.

so what if coach says he will adjust the way i play? SO? he said it just to ease my mind, but did he ever help? yea.. ONCE, one and only. who he concentrates on? the usual 3. i shan't disclose who. then what makes me, even though i'm a captain, he did not even give a damn to how i play. what makes me? a vase, in fact, a useless one, not even for displays, but those in bins and among the trash.

so what if you said it so nicely that we won't be playing in future? SO WHAT? i wasn't even given a DAMN CHANCE TO SPIKE IN FRIENDLY MATCHES, THAT IS SO GOING TO BE THE SAME IN COMPETITION.

yes and ya, people have roles in the team, my role is a spiker. HAH, i'm getting suspicious of what my role is, because, it ain't match what i do in the team. yes, i recieve balls like any other people, so what if i recieve it nicely. even if people recieve it in a KNS state, and the person is in some !@#$%&!@#% weird position, and i'm already AWAITING for the ball, nahs, AWAITING AINT THE WORD, i'm just disappointing myself, staring it, the ball still fly toward the person hu is in that !@#$%^!@$ position. so, what do you think? i might as well be equated as USELESS. libero it shall be, my role shall be a libero, a libero who can block. yea.. weird huh.

people often say that a game like volleyball is a team game. yes i agree, and i shouldn't be so FUCKED up over this matter. but can you imagine it, today's friendly, though we were trashing the other team, i'm still not given a chance to spike, NO. i was only given TWICE OUT OF 4 SETS.

i gave up lots of things over this, i tried my best to improve, and yet i'm treated like a junk. yesterday, i played volleyball with some guys at PHS, at the end of it, i'm smiling. unlike today, a black face. why? i was given a chance to spike, not a chance, in fact, CHANCESSSS notice the S? MANY S huh, because i was GIVEN MANY CHANCESSSSSS.

fuck this whole volleyball thing. i do not belong there. even the people around me thinks that i do not do much in volleyball, and i have a vice captain that overshadows me, people thinking that he's the captain. and yet, behind, i was doing alot of stuff. ya, in game, he will give some guidance, and yes i admit, he's better than me by LOADS. in terms of skills, he's far much better, im just an ant compared to him.

this whole volleyball thing SUCKED. it really sucked.. i hate that feeling. I REALLY DO. NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

SO WHAT?

PEOPLE DON'T EVEN FREAKING CARE. NOT EVEN THE COACH, HE DOESN'T EVEN HELP ME IN IMPROVING.

SO WHAT DOES THIS IMPLY?

IM JUST ANOTHER USELESS MEMBER IN THE TEAM, SURPRISINGLY, I'M BEING KEPT IN THE MAIN 6 BECAUSE I'M THE CAPTAIN, NO OTHER REASONS. I DON'T EVEN THINK THERE ARE EVIDENCES THAT I SHOULD BE IN THE MAIN 6.

I'M FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW.

KINDLY FUCK OFF....