Time flies -- 8:48 PM; Tuesday, June 02, 2009
It's been more than a year i've last updated this blog. Time really flies. The previous post was an overseas trip with my platoon mates, a blink of an eye, I'm already out of army.

For more than a year, nothing was penned down in this blog. I thought, I should start again.

Army was a chaotic life for me, I don't want to re-visit those memories in my unit. I shall start with one day before I am officially out of army.

That day was a great day. I got my driving license at the first try. After which, I spent almost 2 weeks looking for a job outside. I landed on a job which requires a very thick skin - direct sales. I hated that job. It is a tough job, I had to convince people to buy my promotional packages from me. I left that job eventually. I felt guilty for selling such things to people, it may be a good deal, however, I didn't feel all that great about it. It is a 6-day work week job. I had to give up going to the beach which I used to go every Saturday. The pay "might" have sounded quite alot, but in actual fact, I thought I was paid lousily. People convincing me not to quit because they are looking after their own interests. These people have an ulterior motive, and I know they are not sincere at all. Finally, I quit.

Then, I went to look for another job. After 2-3 days, I managed to get another job which I am currently in now. Not that fantastic either, but at the very least, it is SO much better than my previous job. I'm doing something mundane everyday. Working on every Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Saturday, it just suddenly dawned upon me that I should have extended my service in the army. At least, I'm getting a MUCH better pay and I need not burn my weekends except for duties. Finally, I'm quitting this job.

Whatever I am doing here, does anyone care?

Some things are not done properly here. When some things went haywire, myself and some others are left behind to solve it. The ones up there are not really handling it. When I was an officer, did I actually do such things to my clerks? Sometimes, I really wonder, did I or did I not? And if I did, I can actually understand how they feel.

Darn. I need to look for a job now.

I just took part in the Adidas Sundown Marathon. This was the note I type in facebook.

Having to take part in the Adidas Sundown Marathon is something that i never thought i will do. It certainly feels good right after completing this 42km run. i had a great sense of satisfaction and relief upon completion. Though I'm aching all over, suffering from abrasions in between my thighs (which got the attention of girls throwing me dirty looks when i walk, being teased at by my classmates and colleagues at work) I am glad that I took part in this run.

This run is like having a battle within yourself - giving up or to continue. I had no intention of completing this run at a certain timing, but rather, my goal was to finish it.

From the start, my friends and i were running together. Up till a certain point, we decided to run at our own pace. Wenjin took off first, where i had to take a leak at the first aid point. Daniel then over took Clarence and myself. After which, we overtook Daniel. Daniel was the one who surprised me the most. He, somehow twisted his butt cheeks (alright, it's butt muscles) and hence, was unable to run. It was near 10km when he started walking all the way to the end point. (which is 32km later)

My impression of Daniel has always been one who will seek the easy way out, look for the quickest possible way to get out of trouble or simply, just give up. However, right after this run, i realised i was wrong. Despite getting "injured" (which i don't really know and understand how) he persevered all the way thinking of completing this run before the sun rises. Although he failed, at least he completed the 42km. I thought we will find him at the medical posts at the end point. At least, that's what Wenjin and Clarence thought as well. A slap right in the face - Daniel ain't a weakling.I can't actually believe that i finished this 42 km. i ran for the first 25km and after that, my legs cant carry me any longer. i had to walk. At that point in time, i was feeling all down and demoralised.

"what the fuck am i doing here?"
"what did i get myself into this time?"
"i should just give up!"
"why the fuck did i pay 60 bucks to torture myself!?"

that was the type of mentality i was having in my mind. a debate was going on in my mind. Every Kilometre seems further each time. Everytime i see a 1 km mark, it just dawned upon me that i have THAT MANY kilometres to go. it was a terrible experience. at this 25th km, my cuff muscles are on the verge of cramping, my soles, i feel like they are being poked by thousands and thousands of needles. Every step i took, it is awfully painful. the moment i start to jog, my cuffs almost cramp and that left me no choice but to walk. my thighs and my armpits are starting to feel the pain, i can feel the abrasion that im having between my thighs. i had to walk like a duck, raise my hand a little higher to prevent the rubbing of my arm against my top. i feel like a weirdo walking at 3plus am. Tired, exasperated, lonely, i wished my other friends could catch up on me and accompany me to walk. Walking alone in THAT condition, is definitely a challenge - a situation that i don't want to encounter. i have to constantly motivate myself to move forward.

i started singing in my mind. this song was repeatedly played in my mind, "No Boundaries" It was this song that kept me motivated for a while. I had to do things to entertain myself. One thing which really defines who i am. I saw flashes of camera, i moved out of the crowd, get a prominent spot, act strong, once the camera flashes, my job is done. i continued to walk. it was fun entertaining myself this way. i saw interesting people along the way - an auntie, with white hair, afro hairstyle, dressed up in all black, with white lights all over her top, was running 42km. she was like a bunch shining stars running the 42km. after which, i heard some guy, singing a canto song loudly. i met zhen hui at one of the turning points and there she was shouting, "Raphael! You damn slow leh! Hurry finish can!" Too tired to respond to her, i merely showed her the bye bye hand sign. I met zhiyuan while running also, was surprised to see that he maintained his fitness. The whole time when i was walking, i was hoping to see someone i know so that he/she could talk/walk with me when he/she is tired. But to no avail.

After a while, i started to pace. (Yes, army, pacing to predict how much distance that i have covered) I started to do mental calculations to estimate how many steps i need to take to make a 100m. i did this for several kilometres. it was interesting, towards the end, my pacing was good, i managed to hit 1km almost accurately. During the last 3km, i met Cpt Goh, my PC in ocs. well, he's having a hard time too. We're basically walking together to the next water point. he did some stretching at that point while i carried on to prevent the breaking of my momentum. Until towards the last kilometre, i started to run. I had enough rest (all the way from 25km to 41km, that's a total of 16km that i've managed to walk) and i told myself to finish the last stretch. the sooner i finish, the sooner i get to rest proper. i then picked up my pace and start to overtake people. one by one, step by step, i got closer to the finishing point.

then, it struck me. i was suddenly all motivated.

I saw a cameraman at the finishing line.I told myself, to look strong and be at my best when i cross the finishing line. I gave it my all to finish the race.

It was quite an awesome experience, experiencing many different types of emotions along the race, and i am glad, i did this when i'm still fit enough. Being able to finish this race is common, however, being able to take up this challenge, is not what everyone can do.

In future, whether will i take part in marathons again? i will carefully consider, it is tormenting.

This was titled as "The pain and torture i had put myself through"

I am certainly recovering from my abrasions already. I feel great!

However, the atmosphere in the office for the past 2 days has been disturbing. I wonder, what went wrong.

-end-